CHAPTER IV

                    TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE  
  
  
     They were standing under a tree, each with an arm round  the  other's 
neck, and Alice knew which was which in a moment, because one of them  had 
- DUM - embroidered on his collar, and  the  other  -  DEE.  -  I  suppose 
they've each got "TWEEDLE" round at the back of the collar, - she said  to 
herself. 
     They stood so still that she quite forgot they were  alive,  and  she 
was just looking round to see if the word "TWEEDLE"  was  written  at  the 
back of each collar, when she was startled by a voice coming from the  one 
marked - DUM. 
     - If you think we're wax-works, - he said, - you ought  to  pay,  you
know. Wax-works weren't made to be looked at for nothing, Nohow!
     - Contrariwise, - added the one marked - DEE, - if  you  think  we're
alive, you ought to speak.
     - I'm sure I'm very sorry, - was all Alice could say; for  the  words
of the old song kept ringing through her head like the ticking of a clock,
and she could hardly help saying them out loud:
  
             - Tweedledum and Tweedledee  
              Agreed to have a battle;  
            For Tweedledum said Tweedledee  
              Had spoiled his nice new rattle.  
  
            Just then flew down a monstrous crow,  
              As black as a tar-barrel;  
            Which frightened both the heroes so,  
              They quite forgot their quarrel.   
  
     - I know what you're thinking about, -  said  Tweedledum:  -  but  it
isn't so, nohow.
     - Contrariwise, - continued Tweedledee, - if it was so, it might  be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.
     - I was thinking, - Alice said very politely, - which is the best way
out of this wood: it's getting so dark. Would you tell me, please?
     But the little men only looked at each other and grinned. 
     They looked so exactly like a couple of great schoolboys, that  Alice 
couldn't help pointing her finger at Tweedledum, and saying - First Boy! 
     - Nohow! - Tweedledum cried out briskly, and shut his mouth up  again
with a snap.
     - Next Boy! - said Alice, passing on to Tweedledee, though  she  felt
quite certain he would only shout out "Contrariwise! - and so he did.
     - You've been wrong! - cried Tweedledum. - The first thing in a visit
is to say "How d'ye do?" and shake hands! - And here the two brothers gave
each other a hug, and then they held out the two hands that were free,  to
shake hands with her.
     Alice did not like shaking hands with either of them first, for  fear 
of hurting the other one's feelings; so,  as  the  best  way  out  of  the 
difficulty, she took hold of both hands at once: the next moment they were 
dancing found in  a  ring.  This  seemed  quite  natural  (she  remembered 
afterwards), and she was not even surprised  to  hear  music  playing:  it 
seemed to come from the tree under which they were  dancing,  and  it  was 
done (as well as she could make it out) by the branches rubbing one across 
the other, like fiddles and fiddle-sticks. 
     - But it certainly WAS funny, - (Alice said afterwards, when she  was
telling her sister the history of all this,)  -  to  find  myself  singing
"HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH." I don't know when I  began  it,  but
somehow I felt as if I'd been singing it a long long time!
     The other two dancers were fat, and very soon out of breath.  -  Four 
times round is enough for one dance, - Tweedledum  panted  out,  and  they 
left off dancing as suddenly as they had begun: the music stopped  at  the 
same moment. 
     Then they let go of Alice's hands, and stood looking  at  her  for  a 
minute: there was a rather awkward pause, as  Alice  didn't  know  how  to 
begin a conversation with people she had just  been  dancing  with.  -  It 
would never do to say "How d'ye do?" NOW, - she said to herself: - we seem 
to have got beyond that, somehow! 
     - I hope you're not much tired? - she said at last.
     - Nohow. And thank you VERY much for asking, - said Tweedledum.
     - So much obliged! - added Tweedledee. - You like poetry?
     - Ye-es. pretty well - SOME poetry, - Alice said doubtfully. -  Would
you tell me which road leads out of the wood?
     - What shall I repeat to her? - said  Tweedledee,  looking  round  at
Tweedledum with great solemn eyes, and not noticing Alice's question.
     - "THE WALRUS  AND  THE  CARPENTER"  is  the  longest,  -  Tweedledum
replied, giving his brother an affectionate hug.
     Tweedledee began instantly: 
  
                 - The sun was shining    
  
     Here Alice ventured to interrupt him. - If  it's  VERY  long,  -  she 
said, as politely as she could, - would you please  tell  me  first  which 
road 
     Tweedledee smiled gently, and began again: 
  
             - The sun was shining on the sea,  
              Shining with all his might:  
            He did his very best to make  
              The billows smooth and bright    
            And this was odd, because it was  
              The middle of the night.  
  
            The moon was shining sulkily,  
              Because she thought the sun  
            Had got no business to be there  
              After the day was done    
            "It's very rude of him," she said,  
              "To come and spoil the fun!"  
  
            The sea was wet as wet could be,  
              The sands were dry as dry.  
            You could not see a cloud, because  
              No cloud was in the sky:  
            No birds were flying over head    
              There were no birds to fly.  
  
            The Walrus and the Carpenter  
              Were walking close at hand;  
            They wept like anything to see  
              Such quantities of sand:  
            "If this were only cleared away,"  
              They said, "it WOULD be grand!"  
  
            "If seven maids with seven mops  
              Swept it for half a year,  
            Do you suppose," the Walrus said,  
              "That they could get it clear?"  
            "I doubt it," said the Carpenter,  
              And shed a bitter tear.  
  
            "O Oysters, come and walk with us!"  
              The Walrus did beseech.  
            "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,  
              Along the briny beach:  
            We cannot do with more than four,  
              To give a hand to each."  
  
            The eldest Oyster looked at him.  
              But never a word he said:  
            The eldest Oyster winked his eye,  
              And shook his heavy head    
            Meaning to say he did not choose  
              To leave the oyster-bed.  
  
            But four young oysters hurried up,  
              All eager for the treat:  
            Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,  
              Their shoes were clean and neat    
            And this was odd, because, you know,  
              They hadn't any feet.  
  
            Four other Oysters followed them,  
              And yet another four;  
            And thick and fast they came at last,  
              And more, and more, and more    
            All hopping through the frothy waves,  
              And scrambling to the shore.  
  
            The Walrus and the Carpenter  
              Walked on a mile or so,  
            And then they rested on a rock  
              Conveniently low:  
            And all the little Oysters stood  
              And waited in a row.  
  
            "The time has come," the Walrus said,  
              "To talk of many things:  
            Of shoes  -  and ships  -  and sealing-wax    
              Of cabbages  -  and kings    
            And why the sea is boiling hot    
              And whether pigs have wings."  
  
            "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,  
              "Before we have our chat;  
            For some of us are out of breath,  
              And all of us are fat!"  
            "No hurry!" said the Carpenter.  
              They thanked him much for that.  
  
            "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,  
              "Is what we chiefly need:  
            Pepper and vinegar besides  
              Are very good indeed    
            Now if you're ready Oysters dear,  
              We can begin to feed."  
  
            "But not on us!" the Oysters cried,  
              Turning a little blue,  
            "After such kindness, that would be  
              A dismal thing to do!"  
            "The night is fine," the Walrus said  
              "Do you admire the view?  
  
            "It was so kind of you to come!  
              And you are very nice!"  
            The Carpenter said nothing but  
              "Cut us another slice:  
            I wish you were not quite so deaf    
              I've had to ask you twice!"  
  
            "It seems a shame," the Walrus said,  
              "To play them such a trick,  
            After we've brought them out so far,  
              And made them trot so quick!"  
            The Carpenter said nothing but  
              "The butter's spread too thick!"  
  
            "I weep for you," the Walrus said.  
              "I deeply sympathize."  
            With sobs and tears he sorted out  
              Those of the largest size.  
            Holding his pocket handkerchief  
              Before his streaming eyes.  
  
            "O Oysters," said the Carpenter.  
              "You've had a pleasant run!  
            Shall we be trotting home again?"  
              But answer came there none    
            And that was scarcely odd, because  
              They'd eaten every one.   
  
     - I like the Walrus best, - said Alice: - because you see  he  was  a
LITTLE sorry for the poor oysters.
     - He ate more than the Carpenter, though, - said  Tweedledee.  -  You
see he held his handkerchief in front,  so  that  the  Carpenter  couldn't
count how many he took: contrariwise.
     - That was mean!  -  Alice  said  indignantly.  -  Then  I  like  the
Carpenter best - if he didn't eat so many as the Walrus.
     - But he ate as many as he could get, - said Tweedledum. This  was  a
puzzler. After a pause, Alice began, - Well! They were
BOTH very unpleasant characters - Here she checked herself in some  alarm, 
at hearing something that sounded to her  like  the  puffing  of  a  large 
steam-engine in the wood near them, thought she feared it was more  likely 
to be a wild beast. - Are there any lions or  tigers  about  here?  -  she 
asked timidly. 
     - It's only the Red King snoring, - said Tweedledee.
     - Come and look at him! - the brothers cried, and they each took  one
of Alice's hands, and led her up to where the King was sleeping.
     - Isn't he a LOVELY  sight?"  said  Tweedledum.  Alice  couldn't  say
honestly that he was. He had a tall red night-cap
on, with a tassel, and he was lying crumpled up  into  a  sort  of  untidy 
heap, and snoring loud - fit to  snore  his  head  off!  -  as  Tweedledum 
remarked. 
     - I'm afraid he'll catch cold with lying on the damp  grass,  -  said
Alice, who was a very thoughtful little girl.
     - He's dreaming now, - said Tweedledee: - and what do you think  he's
dreaming about?
     Alice said - Nobody can guess that. - Why, about  YOU!  -  Tweedledee 
exclaimed, clapping his hands 
triumphantly.  - And if he left off dreaming about  you,  where  do  you  
suppose you'd be?   
     - Where I am now, of course, - said Alice.
     - Not you! - Tweedledee retorted contemptuously. - You'd be  nowhere.
Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream!
     - If that there King was to wake, - added Tweedledum, - you'd go  out
- bang! - just like a candle!
     - I shouldn't! - Alice exclaimed indignantly. - Besides, if I'M  only
a sort of thing in his dream, what are YOU, I should like to know?
     - Ditto - said Tweedledum.
     - Ditto, ditto - cried Tweedledee. He shouted this so loud that Alice
couldn't help saying, - Hush!
You'll be waking him, I'm afraid, if you make so much noise. 
     - Well, it no use YOUR talking about waking him, - said Tweedledum, -
when you're only one of the things in his dream. You know very well you're
not real.
     - I AM real! - said Alice and began to cry.
     - You won't make yourself a  bit  realler  by  crying,  -  Tweedledee
remarked: - there's nothing to cry about.
     - If I wasn't real, - Alice said - half-laughing though her tears, it
all seemed so ridiculous - I shouldn't be able to cry.
     - I hope you  don't  suppose  those  are  real  tears?  -  Tweedledum
interrupted in a tone of great contempt.
     - I know they're talking nonsense, - Alice thought to herself: -  and
it's foolish to cry about it. - So she brushed away her tears, and went on
as cheerfully as she could. - At any rate I'd better be getting out of the
wood, for really it's coming on very dark. Do  you  think  it's  going  to
rain?
     Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother,  and 
looked up into it. - No, I don't think it is, - he said: - at least -  not 
under HERE. Nohow. 
     - But it may rain OUTSIDE?
     - It may - if it chooses, - said Tweedledee: -  we've  no  objection.
Contrariwise.
     - Selfish things! - thought Alice, and she was just going  to  say  -
Good-night - and leave them, when Tweedledum sprang  out  from  under  the
umbrella and seized her by the wrist.
     - Do you see THAT? - he said, in a voice choking  with  passion,  and
his eyes grew large and yellow all in a  moment,  as  he  pointed  with  a
trembling finger at a small white thing lying under the tree.
     - It's only a rattle, - Alice said, after a  careful  examination  of
the little white thing. -  Not  a  rattleSNAKE,  you  know,  -  she  added
hastily, thinking that he was frightened: only an old rattle -  quite  old
and broken.
     - I knew it was! - cried Tweedledum, beginning to stamp about  wildly
and tear his hair.  -  It's  spoilt,  of  course!  -  Here  he  looked  at
Tweedledee, who immediately sat down on the  ground,  and  tried  to  hide
himself under the umbrella.
     Alice laid her hand upon his arm, and said in a soothing tone, -  You 
needn't be so angry about an old rattle. 
     - But it isn't old! - Tweedledum cried, in a greater fury than  ever.
- It's new, I tell you - I bought it yesterday - my nice New RATTLE! - and
his voice rose to a perfect scream.
     All this time Tweedledee was trying his best to fold up the umbrella, 
with himself in it: which was such an extraordinary thing to do,  that  it 
quite took off Alice's attention from the angry brother. But  he  couldn't 
quite succeed, and it ended  in  his  rolling  over,  bundled  up  in  the 
umbrella, with only his head out: and there he lay, opening  and  shutting 
his mouth and his large eyes - 'looking more like  a  fish  than  anything 
else, - Alice thought. 
     - Of course you agree to have a battle? - Tweedledum said in a calmer
tone.
     - I suppose so, - the other sulkily replied, as he crawled out of the
umbrella: - only SHE must help us to dress up, you know.
     So the two brothers went off hand-in-hand into the wood, and returned 
in a minute with their arms full of things - such as  bolsters,  blankets, 
hearth-rugs, table-cloths, dish-covers and coal-scuttles. - I hope  you're 
a good hand a pinning and tying strings? - Tweedledum  remarked.  -  Every 
one of these things has got to go on, somehow or other. 
     Alice said afterwards she had never  seen  such  a  fuss  made  about 
anything in all her life - the  way  those  two  bustled  about  -and  the 
quantity of things they put on - and the trouble they gave  her  in  tying 
strings and fastening buttons - Really they'll be more like bundles of old 
clothes that anything else, by the time  they're  ready!  -  she  said  to 
herself, as he arranged a bolster round the neck of Tweedledee, - to  keep 
his head from being cut off, - as he said. 
     - You know, - he added very gravely, - it's one of the  most  serious
things that can possibly happen to one in a battle - to get one's head cut
off.
     Alice laughed loud: but she managed to turn it into a cough, for fear 
of hurting his feelings. 
     - Do I look very pale? - said  Tweedledum,  coming  up  to  have  his
helmet tied on. (He CALLED it a helmet, though it  certainly  looked  much
more like a saucepan.)
     - Well - yes - a LITTLE, - Alice replied gently.
     - I'm very brave generally, - he went on  in  a  low  voice:  -  only
to-day I happen to have a headache.
     - And I'VE got a toothache! - said Tweedledee, who had overheard  the
remark. - I'm far worse off than you!
     - Then you'd better not fight to-day, - said  Alice,  thinking  it  a
good opportunity to make peace.
     - We MUST have a bit of a fight, but I  don't  care  about  going  on
long, - said Tweedledum. - What's the time now?
     Tweedledee looked at his watch, and said - Half-past  four.  -  Let's 
fight till six, and then have dinner, - said Tweedledum. -  Very  well,  - 
the other said, rather sadly: - and SHE can watch us 
only you'd better not come VERY close, - he  added:   - I  generally  hit  
everything I can see  -  when I get really excited.   
     - And _I_ hit everything within reach, - cried Tweedledum, -  whether
I can see it or not!
     Alice laughed. - You must hit the TREES pretty often, I should think, 
- she said. 
     Tweedledum looked round him with a satisfied smile. I don't  suppose, 
- he said, - there'll be a tree left standing, for ever so far  round,  by 
the time we've finished! 
     - And all about a rattle! - said Alice, still hoping to make  them  a
LITTLE ashamed of fighting for such a trifle.
     - I shouldn't have minded it so much, -  said  Tweedledum,  -  if  it
hadn't been a new one.
     - I wish the monstrous crow would come! - though Alice.
     - There's only one sword, you know, - Tweedledum said to his brother:
- but you can have the umbrella - it's quite as sharp. Only we must  begin
quick. It's getting as dark as it can.
     - And darker. - said Tweedledee. It was getting dark so suddenly that
Alice thought there must be a
thunderstorm coming on. - What a thick black cloud that is! - she said.  - 
And how fast it comes! Why, I do believe it's got wings! 
     - It's the crow! - Tweedledum cried out in a shrill voice  of  alarm:
and the two brothers took to their heels  and  were  out  of  sight  in  a
moment.
     Alice ran a little way into the wood, and stopped under a large tree. 
- It can never get at me HERE, - she thought: -  it's  far  too  large  to 
squeeze itself in among the trees. But I wish it wouldn't flap  its  wings 
so - it make quite a hurricane in the wood - here's somebody's shawl being 
blown away!