CHAPTER IX

                          Queen Alice  
  
     - Well, this IS grand! - said Alice. - I never expected I should be a
Queen so soon - and I'll tell you what it is, your majesty, - she went  on
in a severe tone (she was always rather fond of scolding herself), - it'll
never do for you to be lolling about on the grass like that!  Queens  have
to be dignified, you know!
     So she got up and walked about - rather stiffly just at first, as she 
was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted  herself  with 
the thought that there was nobody to see her, -  and  if  I  really  am  a 
Queen, - she said as she sat down again, - I shall be able  to  manage  it 
quite well in time. 
     Everything was  happening  so  oddly  that  she  didn't  feel  a  bit 
surprised at finding the Red Queen and the White Queen  sitting  close  to 
her, one on each side: she would have like very much to ask them how  they 
came there, but she feared it would not be  quite  civil.  However,  there 
would be no harm, she thought, in asking if the game was over.  -  Please, 
would you tell me - she began, looking timidly at the Red Queen. 
     - Speak when you're spoken to! - The Queen sharply interrupted her.
     - But if everybody obeyed that rule, - said  Alice,  who  was  always
ready for a little argument, - and if you only spoke when you were  spoken
to, and the other person always waited for YOU to begin,  you  see  nobody
would ever say anything, so that
     - Ridiculous! - cried the Queen. - Why, don't you see, child  -  here
she broke off with a frown, and, after thinking  for  a  minute,  suddenly
changed the subject of the conversation. - What do you mean by  -  If  you
really are a Queen"? What right have you to all yourself so? You can't  be
a Queen, you know, till you've passed  the  proper  examination.  And  the
sooner we begin it, the better.
     - I only said "if"! - poor Alice pleaded in a piteous tone.  The  two
Queens looked at each other, and the Red Queen remarked, with
a little shudder, - She SAYS she only said "if" 
     - But she said a great deal more than that! - the White Queen moaned,
wringing her hands. - Oh, ever so much more than that!
     - So you did, you know, - the Red Queen said to Alice. - Always speak
the truth - think before you speak - and write it down afterwards.
     - I'm sure I didn't mean - Alice was beginning,  but  the  Red  Queen
interrupted her impatiently.
     - That's just what I complain of! You SHOULD have meant! What do  you
suppose is the use of child without any meaning? Even a joke  should  have
some meaning - and a child's more important  than  a  joke,  I  hope.  You
couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.
     - I don't deny things with my HANDS, - Alice objected.
     - Nobody said you did, - said the Red Queen. - I said you couldn't if
you tried.
     - She's in that state of mind, - said the White  Queen,  -  that  she
wants to deny SOMETHING - only she doesn't know what to deny!
     - A nasty, vicious temper, - the Red Queen remarked; and  then  there
was an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two.
     The Red Queen broke the silence by saying to the  White  Queen,  -  I 
invite you to Alice's dinner-party this afternoon. 
     The White Queen smiled feebly, and said -  And  I  invite  YOU.  -  I 
didn't know I was to have a party at all, - said Alice; - but if 
there is to be one, I think _I_ ought to invite the guests.   
     - We gave you the opportunity of doing it, - the Red Queen  remarked:
- but I daresay you've not had many lessons in manners yet?
     - Manners are not taught in lessons, - said Alice.  -  Lessons  teach
you to do sums, and things of that sort.
     - And you do Addition? - the White Queen asked. - What's one and  one
and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
     - I don't know, - said Alice. - I lost count.
     - She can't to Addition, - the Red Queen interrupted. -  Can  you  do
Subtraction? Take nine from eight.
     - Nine from eight I can't, you know, - Alice replied very readily:  -
but
     - She can't do Subtraction, - said the White  Queen.  -  Can  you  do
Division? Divide a loaf by a knife - what's the answer to that?
     - I suppose - Alice was beginning, but the  Red  Queen  answered  for
her. - Bread-and-butter, of course. Try another Subtraction  sum.  Take  a
bone from a dog: what remains?
     Alice considered. - The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it 
- and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me - and I'm  sure  I 
shouldn't remain! 
     - Then you think nothing would remain? - said the Red Queen.
     - I think that's the answer.
     - Wrong, as usual, - said the Red Queen: -  the  dog's  temper  would
remain.
     - But I don't see how
     - Why, look here! - the Red Queen cried. - The  dog  would  lose  its
temper, wouldn't it?
     - Perhaps it would, - Alice replied cautiously.
     - Then it the dog went away, its temper would  remain!  -  the  Queen
exclaimed triumphantly.
     Alice said, as gravely as she could, - They might go different  ways. 
- But she couldn't help thinking to herself, - What dreadful  nonsense  we 
ARE talking! 
     - She can't do sums a BIT! - the Queens  said  together,  with  great
emphasis.
     - Can YOU do sums? - Alice said, turning suddenly on the White Queen,
for she didn't like being found fault with so much.
     The Queen gasped and shut her eyes. - I can do  Addition,  -  if  you 
give me time - but I can do Subtraction, under ANY circumstances! 
     - Of course you know your A B C? - said the Red Queen.
     - To be sure I do. - said Alice.
     - So do I, - the White Queen whispered: - we'll  often  say  it  over
together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret -  I  can  read  words  of  one
letter! Isn't THAT grand! However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it
in time.
     Here the Red Queen began again. - Can you  answer  useful  questions? 
she said. - How is bread made? 
     - I know THAT! - Alice cried eagerly. - You take some flour
     - Where do you pick the flower? - the  White  Queen  asked.  -  In  a
garden, or in the hedges?
     - Well, it isn't PICKED at all, - Alice explained: - it's GROUND
     - How many acres of ground? - said the White  Queen.  -  You  mustn't
leave out so many things.
     - Fan her head! - the Red Queen anxiously interrupted.  -  She'll  be
feverish after so much thinking. - So they set to work and fanned her with
bunches of leaves, till she had to beg them to leave off, it blew her hair
about so.
     - She's all right again now, - said the Red  Queen.  -  Do  you  know
Languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee?
     - Fiddle-de-dee's not English, - Alice replied gravely.
     - Who ever said it was? - said the Red Queen. Alice thought she saw a
way out of the difficulty this time. - If
you'll tell me what language "fiddle-de-dee" is, I'll tell you the  French 
for it! - she exclaimed triumphantly. 
     But the Red Queen drew herself up rather stiffly, and said  -  Queens 
never make bargains. 
     - I wish Queens never asked questions, - Alice thought to herself.
     - Don't let us quarrel, - the White Queen said in an anxious tone.  -
What is the cause of lightning?
     - The cause of lightning, - Alice said very decidedly, for  she  felt
quite certain about this, - is  the  thunder  -  no,  no!  -  she  hastily
corrected herself. - I meant the other way.
     - It's too late to correct it, - said the Red Queen:  -  when  you've
once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.
     - Which reminds me - the White Queen said, looking down and nervously
clasping and unclasping her hands, -  we  had  SUCH  a  thunderstorm  last
Tuesday - I mean one of the last set of Tuesdays, you know.
     Alice was puzzled. - In OUR country, - she remarked, -  there's  only 
one day at a time. 
     The Red Queen said, - That's a poor thin way  of  doing  things.  Now 
HERE, we mostly have days and nights two or three at a time, and sometimes 
in the winter we take as many as five  nights  together  for  warmth,  you 
know. 
     - Are five nights warmer than one night, then? -  Alice  ventured  to
ask.
     - Five times as warm, of course.
     - But they should be five times as COLD, by the same rule
     - Just so! - cried the Red Queen. - Five  times  as  warm,  AND  five
times as cold - just as I'm five times as rich as you are, AND five  times
as clever!
     Alice sighted and gave it up. - It's exactly like a  riddle  with  no 
answer! - she thought. 
     - Humpty Dumpty saw it too, - the White Queen went on in a low voice,
more as if she were talking to herself. - He  came  to  the  door  with  a
corkscrew in his hand
     - What did he want? - said the Red Queen.
     - He said he WOULD come in, - the White Queen went on, -  because  he
was looking for a hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't  such  a
thing in the house, that morning.
     - Is there generally? - Alice asked in an astonished tone.
     - Well, only on Thursdays, - said the Queen.
     - I know what he came for, - said Alice: - he wanted  to  punish  the
fish, because
     Here the White Queen began again. - It was SUCH a  thunderstorm,  you 
can't think! - (She NEVER could you know, - said the  Red  Queen.)  -  And 
part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in - and  it  went 
rolling round the room in great lumps -and knocking over  the  tables  and 
things - till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name! 
     Alice thought to herself, - I never should TRY to remember my name in 
the middle of an accident! Where would be the use of it? - but she did not 
say this aloud, for fear of hurting the poor Queen's feeling. 
     - Your Majesty must excuse her, - the Red Queen said to Alice, taking
one of the White Queen's hands in her own, and gently stroking it:  -  she
means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a general rule.
     The White Queen looked timidly at Alice, who felt she  OUGHT  to  say 
something kind, but really couldn't think of anything at the moment. 
     - She never was really well brought up, - the Red Queen  went  on:  -
but it's amazing how good-tempered she is! Pat her on the  head,  and  see
how pleased she'll be! - But this was more than Alice had courage to do.
     - A little kindness - and putting her  hair  in  papers  -  would  do
wonders with her
     The White Queen gave a deep  sigh,  and  laid  her  head  on  Alice's 
shoulder. - I AM so sleepy? - she moaned. 
     - She's tired, poor thing! - said the Red Queen. -  Smooth  her  hair
lend her your nightcap - and sing her a soothing lullaby.
     - I haven't got a nightcap with me, - said Alice,  as  she  tried  to
obey the first direction: - and I don't know any soothing lullabies."
     - I must do it myself, then, - said the Red Queen, and she began:
  
         - Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap!  
        Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap:  
        When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball    
        Red Queen, and White Queen, and Alice, and all!  
  
     - And now you know the words, - she added, as she put her  head  down
on Alice's other shoulder, - just sing  it  through  to  ME.  I'm  getting
sleepy, too. - In another moment both Queens were fast asleep, and snoring
loud.
     -  What  AM  I  to  do?  exclaimed  Alice,  looking  about  in  great
perplexity, as first one round head, and then the other, rolled down  from
her shoulder, and lay like a heavy lump in her lap. -  I  don't  thing  it
EVER happened before, that any one had to take care of two  Queens  asleep
at once! No, not in all the History of England - it  couldn't,  you  know,
because there never was more than one Queen at a time.  Do  wake  up,  you
heavy things! - she went on in an impatient tone; but there was no  answer
but a gentle snoring.
     The snoring got more distinct every minute, and sounded more  like  a 
tune: at last she could even make out  the  words,  and  she  listened  so 
eagerly that, when the two great heads vanished from her lap,  she  hardly 
missed them. 
     She was standing before an arched doorway over which were  the  words 
QUEEN ALICE in large letters, and on each side of the  arch  there  was  a 
bell-handle; one was marked - Visitors - Bell, - and the other -  Servants 
- Bell. 
     - I'll wait till the song's over, - thought Alice, -  and  then  I'll
ring - the - WHICH bell must I ring? - she went on, very much  puzzled  by
the names. - I'm not a visitor, and I'm not a servant. There OUGHT  to  be
one marked "Queen," you know
     Just then the door opened a little way, and a creature  with  a  long 
beak put its head out for a moment and said - No admittance till the  week 
after next! - and shut the door again with a bang. 
     Alice knocked and rang in vain for a long time, but at last,  a  very 
old Frog, who was sitting under a tree, got up and hobbled slowly  towards 
her: he was dressed in bright yellow, and had enormous boots on. 
     - What is it, now? - the Frog said in a deep  hoarse  whisper.  Alice
turned round, ready to find fault with anybody. - Where's the
servant whose business it is to answer the door? - she began angrily. 
     - Which door? - said the Frog. Alice almost stamped  with  irritation
at the slow drawl in which he
spoke. - THIS door, of course! 
     The Frog looked at the door with his large dull eyes  for  a  minute: 
then he went nearer and rubbed it with his thumb, as  if  he  were  trying 
whether the paint would come off; then he looked at Alice. 
     - To answer the door? - he said. - What's it been asking of? - He was
so hoarse that Alice could scarcely hear him.
     - I don't know what you mean, - she said.
     - I talks English, doesn't I? - the Frog went on. - Or are you  deaf?
What did it ask you?
     - Nothing! - Alice said impatiently. - I've been knocking at it!
     - Shouldn't do that - shouldn't do that - the Frog muttered. -  Wexes
it, you know. - Then he went up and gave the door a kick with one  of  his
great feet. - You let IT alone, - he panted out, as he hobbled back to his
tree, - and it'll let YOU alone, you know.
     At this moment the door was flung open, and a shrill voice was  heard 
singing: 
  
     - To the Looking-Glass world it was Alice that said,  
    "I've a sceptre in hand, I've a crown on my head;  
    Let the Looking-Glass creatures, whatever they be,  
    Come and dine with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me."   
  
     And hundreds of voices joined in the chorus: 
  
     - Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can,  
    And sprinkle the table with buttons and bran:  
    Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea    
    And welcome Queen Alice with thirty-times-three!   
  
     Then followed a confused noise of  cheering,  and  Alice  thought  to 
herself, - Thirty  times  three  makes  ninety.  I  wonder  if  any  one's 
counting? - In a minute there was silence again, and the same shrill voice 
sang another verse; 
  
     - "O Looking-Glass creatures," quothe Alice, "draw near!  
    'Tis and honour to see me, a favour to hear:  
    'Tis a privilege high to have dinner and tea  
    Along with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me!"   
  
     Then came the chorus again: 
  
     - Then fill up the glasses with treacle and ink,  
    Or anything else that is pleasant to drink:  
    Mix sand with the cider, and wool with the wine    
    And welcome Queen Alice with ninety-times-nine!   
  
     - Ninety times nine! - Alice repeated in despair, - Oh, that'll never
be done! I'd better go in at once - and  there  was  a  dead  silence  the
moment she appeared.
     Alice glanced nervously along the table, as she walked up  the  large 
hall, and noticed that there were about fifty quests, of all  kinds:  some 
were animals, some birds, and there were even a few flowers among them.  - 
I'm glad they've come without waiting to be asked,  -  she  thought:  -  I 
should never have known who were the right people to invite! 
     There were three chairs at the head of the table; the Red  and  White 
Queens had already taken two of them, but the middle one was empty.  Alice 
sat down in it, rather uncomfortable in the silence, and longing for  some 
one to speak. 
     At last the Red Queen began. - You've missed the soup and fish, - she 
said. - Put on the joint! - And the waiters set a  leg  of  mutton  before 
Alice, who looked at it rather anxiously, as she had never had to carve  a 
joint before. 
     - You look a little shy; let me introduce you to that leg of  mutton,
- said the Red Queen. - Alice - Mutton; Mutton  -  Alice.  -  The  leg  of
mutton got up in the dish and made  a  little  bow  to  Alice;  and  Alice
returned the bow, not knowing whether to be frightened or amused.
     - May I give you a slice? - she said, taking up the knife  and  fork,
and looking from one Queen to the other.
     - Certainly not,  -  the  Red  Queen,  very  decidedly:  -  it  isn't
etiquette to cut any one you've been introduced to. Remove  the  joint!  -
And the waiters carried it off, and brought a large  plum-pudding  in  its
place.
     - I won't be introduced to the pudding, please, - Alice  said  rather
hastily, - or shall we get no dinner at all. May I give you some?
     But the Red Queen looked sulky, and growled - Pudding - Alice;  Alice 
- Pudding. Remove the pudding! - and the waiters took it always so quickly 
that Alice couldn't return its bow. 
     However, she didn't see why the Red Queen should be the only  one  to 
give orders, so, as an experiment, she called out - Waiter! Bring back the 
pudding! - and there it was again in a moment like a  conjuring-trick.  It 
was so large that she couldn't help feeling a LITTLE shy with it,  as  she 
had been with the mutton; however, she conquered her shyness  by  a  great 
effort and cut a slice and handed it to the Red Queen. 
     - What impertinence! - said the Pudding. - I wonder  how  you'd  like
it, if I were to cut a slice out of YOU, you creature!
     - It spoke in a thick, suety sort of voice, and Alice hadn't  a  word
to say in reply: she could only sit and look at it and gasp.
     - Make a remark, - said the Red Queen: - it's ridiculous to leave all
the conversation to the pudding!
     - Do you know, I've had such a quantity  of  poetry  repeated  to  me
to-day, - Alice began, a little frightened at finding that, the moment she
opened her lips, there was dead silence, and all eyes were fixed upon her;
- and it's a very curious thing, I think -every poem was about  fishes  in
some way. Do you know why they're so fond of fishes, all about here?
     She spoke to the Red Queen, whose answer was a  little  wide  of  the 
mark. - As to fishes, - she said, very slowly and  solemnly,  putting  her 
mouth close to Alice's ear, - her White Majesty knows a  lovely  riddle  - 
all in poetry - all about fishes. Shall she repeat it? 
     - Her Red Majesty's very kind  to  mention  it,  -  the  White  Queen
murmured into Alice's other ear, in a voice like the cooing of a pigeon. -
It would be SUCH a treat! May I?
     - Please do, - Alice said very politely. The White Queen laughed with
delight, and stroked Alice's cheek. Then
she began: 
  
         - "First, the fish must be caught.   
    That is easy: a baby, I think, could have caught it.  
        "Next, the fish must be bought.   
    That is easy: a penny, I think, would have bought it.  
  
        "Now cook me the fish!   
    That is easy, and will not take more than a minute.  
        Let it lie in a dish!"  
    That is easy, because it already is in it.  
  
        "Bring it here! Let me sup!"  
    It is easy to set such a dish on the table.  
        "Take the dish-cover up!   
    Ah, THAT is so hard that I fear I'm unable!  
  
        For it holds it like glue    
    Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle:  
        Which is easiest to do,  
    Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle?   
  
     - Take a minute to think about it, and then guess,  -  said  the  Red
Queen. - Meanwhile, we'll drink your health - Queen  Alice's  health!  she
screamed at the top of her voice, and all the  guests  began  drinking  it
directly, and very queerly they managed it: some of them put their glasses
upon their heads like extinguishers, and  drank  all  that  trickled  down
their faces -others upset the decanters, and drank the wine as it ran  off
the edges of the table - and three of them  (who  looked  like  kangaroos)
scrambled into the dish of roast mutton, and began eagerly lapping up  the
gravy, - just like pigs in a trough! thought Alice.
     - You ought to return thanks in a neat speech, - the Red Queen  said,
frowning at Alice as she spoke.
     - We must support you, you know, -  the  White  Queen  whispered,  as
Alice got up to do it, very obediently, but a little frightened.
     - Thank you very much, - she whispered in reply, - but I can do quite
well without.
     - That wouldn't be at all the  thing,  -  the  Red  Queen  said  very
decidedly: so Alice tried to submit to it with a good grace.
     (And they DID push so! - she said afterwards, when  she  was  telling 
her sister the history of the feast. - You would have thought they  wanted 
to squeeze me flat!') 
     In fact it was rather difficult for her to keep in  her  place  while 
she made her speech: the two Queens pushed her so, one on each side,  that 
they nearly lifted her up into the air: - I rise to return thanks -  Alice 
began: and she really DID rise as she spoke, several inches; but  she  got 
hold of the edge of the table, and managed to pull herself down again. 
     - Take care of yourself! - screamed the White Queen, seizing  Alice's
hair with both her hands. - Something's going to happen!
     And then (as Alice  afterwards  described  it)  all  sorts  of  thing 
happened in a moment. The candles all grew  up  to  the  ceiling,  looking 
something like a bed of rushes with  fireworks  at  the  top.  As  to  the 
bottles, they each took a pair of plates, which they hastily fitted on  as 
wings, and  so,  with  forks  for  legs,  went  fluttering  about  in  all 
directions: - and very like birds they look, - Alice thought  to  herself, 
as well as she could in the dreadful confusion that was beginning. 
     At this moment she heard a hoarse laugh at her side, and turn to  see 
what was the matter with the White Queen; but, instead of the Queen, there 
was the leg of mutton sitting in the chair. - Here I  am!  cried  a  voice 
from the soup tureen, and Alice turned again, just  in  time  to  see  the 
Queen's broad good-natured face grinning at the for a moment over the edge 
of the tureen, before she disappeared into the soup. 
     There was not a moment to be lost. Already several of the guests were 
lying down in the dishes, and the soup ladle  was  walking  up  the  table 
towards Alice's chair, and beckoning to her impatiently to get out of  its 
way. 
     - I can't stand this any longer! - she cried as  she  jumped  up  and
seized the table-cloth with both hands: one good pull, and plates, dishes,
guests, and candles came crashing down together in a heap on the floor.
     - And as for YOU, - she went on, turning fiercly upon the Red  Queen,
who she considered as the cause of all the mischief - but the Queen was no
longer at her side - she had suddenly dwindled  down  to  the  size  of  a
little doll, and was now on the table, merrily  running  round  and  round
after her own shawl, which was trailing behind her.
     At any other time, Alice would have felt surprised at this,  but  she 
was far too much excited to be surprised at anything NOW. - As for YOU,  - 
she repeated, catching hold of the little creature  in  the  very  act  of 
jumping over a bottle which had just lighted upon the table, - I'll  shake 
you into a kitten, that I will!